


Sanagi (Chrysalis)

by vogue91



Series: Yakuza!Verse [1]
Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Abuse, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Yakuza, Anal Sex, Character Death, Human Trafficking, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Rape/Non-con Elements, Underage Character(s), Violence, Yakuza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 12:54:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16326638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Chinen had been a challenge for him, and he hadn’t thought twice about it.After all, he didn’t give a damn about his own life anymore.There was no such thing as a life he could call his own.It had just been bought by a yakuza named Takaki Yuya.





	1. Shizuka na Yoru ni (In the silent night)

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes inspiration from a one shot which can be found here: http://vogue91.blogspot.com/2018/10/author-simph8-rating-nc-17-warnings-au.html.   
> The original story is not mine, I’ve just translated it. The story fits between the first and second chapter, and even though it’s not essential to the understanding of the whole fic, it can get pretty confusing around some points.   
> This is a list of all the fics belonging to the same verse (not all of them are on AO3, since they're not all mine):   
> http://vogue91.blogspot.com/2018/10/takachii-yakuza-verse.html

**_01 – Shizuka na Yori ni (In the silent night)_ **

****

_“Slightly bitter, the flavour of life.”_

_[Flavor of life, Utada Hikaru]_

_Tokyo is a dangerous place, if you don’t know where you’re going._

He had heard those words too many times, and he had always agreed.

Tokyo was a city with a beautiful book-cover, which hid an incurable rot.

It generated at his foundations, it had been born too far back in history to hope to uproot it.

Tokyo was wonderful, but he had never been able to see the wonder.

As a child, Chinen had always thought it was too bright. His parents never had the time to take him around, so those rare times he was in Shibuya or Ginza or Akibahara, he always thought those lights were excessive, and not at all necessary.

He wasn’t used to lights.

He had spent the beginning of his adolescence, a little more than two years before, in a small apartment in San’ya, and he didn’t have pleasant memories of that period.

Whenever he went out of his apartment to get to school he felt observed, as if danger was always behind the corner, as if something was going to happen to him.

He had learnt to live with that fear and overcome it.

He had learnt to go on with what little his family had to offer to him, and he hadn’t complained about it once.

He slept in a futon in bad shape, in what could’ve been more easily called a storage room than a bedroom itself, and he had gotten used to live with moisture and a few cockroaches, always scared that one day someone was going to knock on their door and take everything away.

It hadn’t always been like that.

There had been a time where his father had been an important businessman, and Yuri remembered how proud he was of him, how much he wished he could’ve grown up to be like him, one day.

When he was twelve, that man had disappeared.

Instead of him, someone who looked sensibly older, days-old beard, wandering the apartment with his sake bottle, the one which seemed to be bottomless.

The nice furniture from their house in Meguro had slowly disappeared. The TV had disappeared, the paintings had, the wedding presents had.

The smile had disappeared from his mother’s face, and Yuri had seen her grow older in mere days.

When the house was gone too, he had understood they had reached the point of no return.

He wasn’t supposed to know anything. He was supposed to stay in the darkness and think the whole thing was just temporary, that it was a mistake, that everything was going to be back to what it was and soon.

As if his father still had a dignity to maintain, at least with that family in front of which he had never shown his weakness.

And then Yuri had started getting up in the middle of the night, hiding behind the thin wall between the place where he slept and the living room, listening to his parents talk.

They talked, they talked, they seemed to do nothing else.

And he understood less and less.

He had heard them speak of a fraud. And bankruptcy. Of debts.

And of yakuza.

And what he had understood in the end was that there was no getting back to his comfortable house, in his comfortable bed, with the friends and the life lacking any concerns that he should’ve had at his age.

He had never said a word. He had accepted the changes as they came, without complaining, without asking for anything more.

He had kept quiet, watching and undergoing it all.

Standing his mother’s continuous crying as his father beat her.

Standing the same beating, learning to hide the bruises so that no one was going to ask questions.

But he had soon realized that in that new reality, no one bothered to ask questions anyway.

They all went down their road, and nor teachers nor neighbours seemed to be concerned by that kid who from time to time showed some new wound on his face.

It didn’t matter if there were days when his father beat on his so hard that he couldn’t get up.

It didn’t matter if his schoolmates took care of covering the bruises with always newer and deeper wounds.

It had been going on like that for almost a year, even though he had lost count of the time passing.

What was the point in counting the days, anyway?

Every morning, every afternoon, every night... everything was always the same, and he had stopped hoping something was going to change, he had stopped praying the gods for he didn’t believe in them anymore, he had stopped wanting to cry.

And then that day had come, and again he had accepted that events were going to have their course.

It was another night where he was spying on his parents, something which had long since become a routine.

When the doorbell had rung he had gotten suspicious, but he had calmed down when he hadn’t seen any fear in his mother’s or father’s eyes.

He remembered perfectly the man who had walked through that door.

He remembered his slimy smile, he remembered the scar above his eye.

He remembered their eyes meeting, and the shiver down his spine.

Chinen had been scared, and he couldn’t even say why.

He had stopped being afraid, hadn’t he?

He had stopped being scared something worse could happen to him, because he was sure he had touched the bottom of that apparent infinite fall.

And yet, facts had proved him wrong.

His mother had opened the door to his room, finding him spying on them.

She hadn’t flinched; she had grabbed his arm, without even looking at him, and had thrown him on the ground in front of the stranger as she would’ve a stray dog.

“This is our payment.” his father had murmured, with that slight slur given by his now complete addiction to sake. “We’ve already made the due arrangements... it should be enough, right?” he had added then, never looking at his son, without showing any regret for what he was about to do.

And Chinen had understood his life had ended there.

He had let the man drag him out of that place, taken and thrown ungraciously in a car with darkened windows, a big one, a nice car.

It looked a little like the one his father had, his old father, the one who didn’t drink and didn’t beat him up.

That man didn’t exist anymore, nor did the loving and ever-smiling mother who cooked his bento every morning, putting the salted tamagoyaki in, just the way he liked it.

None of that existed anymore, and Chinen had started believing it was all a creation of his mind, that it was only a far memory which on that day, the day of the end of his childhood, had to be erased forever.

Because those parents couldn’t be the same ones who hadn’t even looked him in the eyes while a stranger dragged him far away from them, with the perspective of never seeing him again.

 

~

 

The place where they had taken him stank.

It smelled of filth, of sweat.

And there was something else that Yuri hadn’t placed right away, but that in time he had learnt to recognize as the smell of blood.

There were others like him. Dozens of others.

Filthy, malnourished kids who could barely stand.

Some looked sick, and as the days went by Yuri saw men coming to take them, and they never came back.

It happened even to the healthier-looking ones, but he had never wondered too much about them. He didn’t want to.

Until he had somehow made friends with one of the kids staying there with him, until he had decided to open up, until he had had his first meltdown.

He had just screamed.

He had yelled it wasn’t fair, that he was tired, that they could kill him if they wanted to, but that he didn’t want to be anymore inside that filthy warehouse with the others, as if they were nothing but cannon fodder.

One of the older kids had gotten up and had put a hand on his mouth firmly, pulling him down and throwing him with his back against the wall, a ferocious look on his face.

“Little idiot!” he had inveighed, slapping him. “Do you think this is a joke? Do you think you’ll get something by telling them to kill you?” he had hissed, more and more furious. “Those guys can also torture you for days just for kicks, before killing you. They can do stuff you can’t even imagine. You really shouldn’t make them mad.” he had said, loosening the hold he had on him and sitting in front of him, crossing his legs.

Chinen had gotten angry, but he hadn’t dared talking back.

“What’s your name?” he had asked instead, almost surprised by how his voice sounded polite; he hadn’t spoken like that in a really long time.

Actually, it felt as if it had been over a year since he had last spoken to anyone.

“Daiki.” the elder had replied, suspicious, apparently little inclined to human contact.

And Chinen could understand that perfectly.

“Yuri.” he had said with the same tone, leaning more comfortably against the wall without tearing his eyes off of him. “I'm sorry about before, but I’m going crazy. I’ve been here for days, I can't take it anymore.”

Daiki had smiled, ironic, then he had shaken his head.

“I’ve lost track of the time I’ve spent here, kid. Yes, perhaps in the beginning I thought I was going crazy too, but... you get used to it, trust me.” he had explained, and Chinen had heard the resignation in his voice.

“What are we doing here?” he had asked, hesitant, as if he didn’t really want to know the answer to his question.

The elder had sighed, brushing a hand over his face and then looking at the other kids in the room.

“We wait.” he had said, hoarse. “From time to time someone gets sick and they’re taken away because they become useless, you’ve seen that. From time to time some men come to check on us, to touch us, and they decide if there’s someone here who fits his tastes. And from time to time...” he had bitten on his lower lip, so hard that Chinen remembered having thought he would’ve started bleeding any moment. “And from time to time someone who can afford that needs... parts. Well, organs. We’re useful for that too.” he had explained, with an ease which had looked incredibly fake to Yuri. “There’s not a fate worse than the other, there’s nothing you can hope for. However it ends, it sucks.”

Chinen hadn’t said another word for the rest of the day.

It was really over, then, his childhood was over, so was the hope for a future and the memories from his past. Everything was over for him.

He had thought dozens of times about what Daiki had told him, and in the end he had had to admit to himself that he had been right.

There was no escape and there was no destiny better than another one.

They were going to die, one way or the other, they were going to suffer, one way or the other. And there was no hope, and no salvation.

Yuri kept picturing his parents, the way they had looked while he was being taken away, and he couldn’t help hating them.

And then he had decided.

He needed to survive, somehow.

He was going to get his revenge, he was going to witness their pain just like they had condemned him to his own.

It was all about clenching his teeth and go on.

From that day, he hadn’t complained anymore.

He had just carried on.

 

~

 

It had happened suddenly.

One of those men, different from the one who had picked him from his house, had gotten close to them, smirking.

He had nodded toward Daiki, asking him to go with him, some form of evil satisfaction as he did so.

And Daiki had followed him, because there was nothing else he could’ve done. He had thrown one last glance at Yuri before leaving the warehouse, but the younger couldn’t read what was in his eyes.

It wasn’t fear, it wasn’t resignation.

There was nothing. And he had wondered if he would’ve looked just like that, once it would’ve been his turn.

He had deluded himself for hours and then days, and he stretched his neck toward the front door every time he heard it opening, but his expectations were disappointed each time.

And in the end he stopped hoping. Daiki was never going to come back.

He was probably dead already. He was probably cut to pieces already.

And the more he told himself he shouldn’t wallow in those kind of thoughts, the more he drove himself crazy picturing him dead, knowing he wasn’t coming back, that he had left him alone.

He didn’t mind his company. It was all he had, after all, and as time had gone by he had found out Daiki was easy to talk with, that it was possible to forget in what situation they were.

Now he was abandoned. Again.

But he wasn’t for long, and he didn’t know whether to consider this particular condition of his a blessing or yet another curse rained on him.

He remembered the moment he had seen him with extreme precision.

He was young, Yuri thought about twenty-five.

He looked bored and arrogant, the same as many other of them.

The heavy loafers he wore echoed in the emptiness of the warehouse like a sound of death, a sound that all of them recognized as a signal.

And Yuri watched, without even praying anymore that his time hadn’t come.

That had been the first day of his new life.

He was going to remember that day forever.

He couldn’t say how he remembered it, he couldn’t say if meeting that man had been a bad or a good thing for him, he just knew that he had been dragged out of that place, and he felt grateful for that.

The smell of blood and death were long gone.

Not forever, but at least he was allowed to breath some fresh air, and it was all he needed.

He wasn’t going to thank his jailer, never.

But while he was brought to his apartment by those men who kept staring at him as if he was dead already, he couldn’t help wondering what that man had seen in him and his arrogance, in his attitude, so little prone to bending.

Chinen had been a challenge for him, and he hadn’t thought twice about it.

After all, he didn’t give a damn about his own life anymore.

There was no such thing as a life he could call his own.

It had just been bought by a yakuza named Takaki Yuya.

 

~

 

When he had walked inside that apartment for the first time, he had almost gotten surprised.

He had barely recognized the neighbourhood, and perhaps he knew it more by its reputation than for having actually been there.

They were close to Kabuki-chou, in Shinjuku, far from the main streets.

He had been pushed inside what he would’ve said was a nice apartment.

It wasn’t good as the house he had in Meguro, but a palace if compared to the place in San’ya.

Heaven, compared to the warehouse.

The two men who had brought him there had left right away, smirking and touching him a little too much for his likings, but he hadn’t worried about it.

What he wanted to know the most was what was going to be of his life from there on.

Yuya was sitting on the couch of the small living room, his legs crossed and a smile on his face.

He signalled for him to join him on the couch, and Chinen had done just that.

What was the point in fighting it? What was the point in try and do something, try to say no, try to do something different from what he had been ordered?

He had sat next to him, and he had waited.

Takaki had turned to look at him, brushing his face with a finger, slowly, looking him up and down.

“I have excellent taste, don’t you think so?” he had asked, grinning. “You’re not bad at all. Those other kids in that hole looked so skinny and sick. I should seriously protest about how they’re kept, if they go on like that they won’t be of much use.” he had gone on as if it was a normal conversation, as if Yuri was his equal.

The younger hadn’t deluded himself into thinking he was going to avoid him that night. He was just waiting for the yakuza to make his move, and he knew it was only a matter of time.

Before being taken away, Daiki had gotten a chance to explain to him in precise and gory details what was expected of those taken away like that, those who were bought for sex.

Chinen couldn’t help being afraid, somehow, but he controlled himself well enough that it wouldn’t show.

“After all, I didn’t want a kid who would’ve died at the first use, right?” he had added, laughing, most likely enjoying the nervous look in the younger’s eyes.

But again, Chinen hadn’t flinched.

And he hadn’t flinched when Yuya had grabbed him and taken him to the bedroom.

He hadn’t flinched when he had taken his clothes off of him.

He hadn’t flinched when he had been laid down face first on the mattress, and when Yuya had thrust inside of him.

Yuri couldn’t remember having ever felt so much pain.

He had recalled all the times his father had beaten him, so hard to make him spit his own blood, when his classmates had fun using him as a knife sharpener, when there were mornings he woke up and he felt as if his body was in flames.

But there was nothing in his memories worse than this pain. Nothing worse than the feeling of Takaki’s cock inside of him, of his brutal thrusts, of the blood rolling down his legs, his breath in his ear and his hands clawing his body, scratching him, adding up to the pain right when he thought it couldn’t get any worse than that.

When he had climaxed, Yuri had sighed in relief.

He had been abandoned on the bed, cum mixing to the blood between his thighs, feeling as if he couldn’t move a muscle.

He had understood what the yakuza meant.

He had noticed in what state a lot of the kids with him at the warehouse were.

Most likely, a lot of them weren’t going to survive the ‘first use’, as the elder had put it.

He had hoped he was going to leave him be, at least for that night.

When he had seen him go back to the room, his cock hard again between his legs, he couldn’t help sobbing.

He wasn’t sure he was going to bear it, not again, not so soon.

“Don’t cry.” the elder hissed. “You said you weren’t afraid of me, did you? So there’s no need for you to cry.” he had murmured in his ear, as he pushed inside of him again.

And Chinen had screamed, again. And he had sobbed, again.

He was sure now, this couldn’t hurt any more than it already did.

Why shouldn’t he cry, why shouldn’t he sob?

What dignity did he have to keep while the elder pushed inside of him, deeper, while he pulled on his hair and against himself, while he hurt him all over again?

“I'm sorry, I really don’t want to...” he had said, his voice marked by moans every time he pushed his hips against him. “But you have to learn somehow, don’t you? I’ve got to test the merchandise and make you grow accustomed to what’s waiting for you.” he had explained, and even though he couldn’t see his face, Yuri was sure that he was smiling, just as he was sure there was no sign of regret in him. “You’re better than I thought, you know? I thought you would’ve passed out for the pain at this point. And it would’ve been a nuisance. It’s not so good to fuck a lifeless body, you know?”

“No, of course.” Yuri had replied in a feeble voice, what little he had left. “I suppose that raping someone who’s got no chance at defending himself is much more exciting.”

He hadn’t been able to keep it in.

And he had regretted those words, but all in all it was worth the satisfaction he had gotten when the smile on Yuya’s face had disappeared.

Takaki had turned him around and had started punching him, before ramming himself inside of him again, harder.

Chinen had tried to estrange himself, to pretend he wasn’t there, to avoid thinking about what was happening to him, but he knew it would’ve been way better to get used to all this, because he was sure that the worst was yet to come, because he knew that until Takaki wouldn’t have gotten tired of him, every day of his life was going to be similar to this one.

When the yakuza had gotten tired he had sent him to the shower, telling him he had no intention to share his bed with him like that.

He had dragged himself under the water, trying to wash away Takaki’s marks from his body, unable to do so.

And in the end he had given up.

What was the point?

The next night, or perhaps even before, he was going to have new ones. And then again, and again, and again.

And he realized then that those marks were going to become part of himself, and that instead of fighting them he should’ve tried to accept them.

That night he had slept next to Takaki, and he remembered it had taken him forever to fall asleep.

He didn’t like the sound of his breath, he didn’t like the warmth of his skin so close to his own.

But it was all that life had offered him, and he wasn’t going to turn his back on it.

He kept wondering if it wouldn’t have been better to die, but in the end perhaps Daiki was right.

There was no fate worse than the other.

There was just his capability of accepting whatever was coming his way.

 


	2. Garasu no Shounen (Boy of glass)

**_02 – Garasu no Shounen (Boy of glass)_ **

****

_“Take me wherever you want,_

_take away all I am.”_

_[Desire, Shibutani Subaru-Yasuda Shota]_

Yuri was lying down on his and Yuya’s bed.

He was bored.

It happened often that he didn’t know what to do when he was home alone. He thought about calling Kei, but he changed his mind right away.

He wasn’t _so_ desperate to put himself through the elder’s obsessions.

He was about to get up and go throw himself on the couch instead, when he heard the front door opening.

Takaki muttered something which sounded like ‘I'm back’, then he flopped down on the armchair in the living room, brushing a hand over his face, as to send away an upcoming migraine.

“Welcome back.” Yuri muttered, ironical as usual, standing on the doorstep waiting for the elder to tell him something.

“A knackering day.” were the first words Yuya said, staring at the younger almost disgusted. “And don’t stay there looking at me that way, kid, it’s the last thing I need. Make yourself useful, bring me a beer.” he ordered him, taking a cigarette from the packet and nervously lighting it up.

Yuri rolled his eyes, but he obeyed.

He went to the kitchen, taking an ice-cold beer from the fridge and opening it, bringing it to the man still sprawled on the armchair.

He sat on the couch, not far from him, watching him taking a sip that he was sure was a challenge to the scarce capacity of his lungs, and he almost felt like smiling.

He was scared of even thinking about it, but... lately, things seemed to have gotten better.

Of course Yuya was always the same with him, just like he had been during the past two years and a half.

He kept taking him whenever he felt like it, he kept physically hurting him, he kept scratching him, cutting him and injuring him in every possible way when they had sex.

But he had gotten a little more human toward him, since that day.

He remembered his words while he took him home, he remembered he had felt almost relieved he had Yuya there, while his mind was still full of the images of his dead parents, the sound of the bullet he had shot to kill them, the smell of the blood.

He wasn’t deluding himself.

He didn’t think that now the elder felt some pity for him, he didn’t believe his condition was ever going to change.

But for the first time in years, Yuya had been able to prove he cared about him. Yuri knew he felt no affection, that his attachment was the same he would’ve felt for a property. But he settled, because it was more than he had ever gotten from him.

He had learnt to understand him, somehow.

Beyond the cold-blooded killer yakuza who raped him night after night without feeling any remorse at all, Yuya was better than many others.

Chinen had met a lot of them, through the elder. And he had met boys in the same situation as him, and he saw them changing constantly and fall from the face of the earth, and when he dared asking Takaki where they ended up, the yakuza smirked and told him it was likely that they were six feet underground.

And he said that with ease, and Yuri had to recognize that he was lucky he was still alive.

He looked at himself in the mirror, night after night, he traced with his fingertips the scars the elder left on him when he wasn’t careful enough, when he got too carried away with his games in bed, but he kept telling himself those scars were a good price for his life and his revenge.

“What’s happened of so terrible?” he asked, trying to be genuinely interested in what he did during the day.

The elder shrugged, taking another sip of beer.

“The usual. An idiot thought he could start pushing coke in our territory, and we’ve had to deal with him. It wasn’t easy, he started shooting and he’s hit one of ours.” he explained, making an annoyed face. “It wasn’t funny. He whined like a pussy.” he sighed. “And as if that wasn’t enough, a little while ago the boss has called me and Kota and has told us he’s going to send us ‘reinforcements’.” he said, mocking the boss’ voice. “Which, for the common mortals, means having in my way a kid who can barely pull a trigger.” he finished, rolling his head against the backrest, then he turned to the younger. “And what have you been doing the whole day?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

Chinen shrugged, as to say it wasn’t worth talking about it.

“I got bored, I’ve done nothing special. I’ve taken a walk in the neighbourhood, but it’s not that fun. And then I went to the conbini and I bought some pre-cooked ramen for lunch. And then...” he sighed, looking around. “And then I got bored, I told you. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Takaki closed his eyes briefly, snorting.

“You’ve got to find yourself something to do, kid. You can't keep wallowing around with that depressed look. It makes me nervous, and you know that. Your parents have died almost two weeks ago, I’d say it’s time to stop thinking about it, right?”

Chinen’s lips got thinner, and he pulled his legs up, getting defensive.

What the hell did he know about how he felt?

What did he know about what was going through his mind?

“And what do my parents have to do with anything? I'm not thinking about them. I’ve done what I had to do, that’s all. They didn’t even cross my mind again.” he lied.

The truth was he did think about them, too much.

He kept seeing them, in that respectable house, looking like the good, happy couple who had seemingly forgotten the skeleton in their closet, who seemed to have forgotten that in the world there was a kid, their son, who had been fed to the beasts for them to have that house and that smile on their faces.

All in all, he was glad he had killed them. It was all he had been desiring since he had been taken away from that dump in San’ya. But it wasn’t easy, not at all.

Yuya might’ve also been used to kill, but he wasn’t.

And those two murders, the image of the hole in the middle of his mother’s and his father’s forehead, kept haunting him, whether he found it fair or not.

Takaki half-smiled, getting up and walking behind the couch, lewdly resting his hands on his shoulders.

“Okay, fine. Let’s pretend I believe you. Also because I don’t give a damn about your internal struggle, I really couldn’t care less. I just need you to not go around with that look on your face when I'm here. You don’t want to irritate me, do you Yuri?” he murmured in his ear, and the younger shivered.

“No, I don’t. I’m not going to challenge your fantasy when you’re angry.” he mocked him, even though it wasn’t a joke at all.

They both knew that when Yuya got mad, one night sleep wasn’t enough for Yuri to forget the pain of the wounds the elder gave him.

Takaki smiled, letting his hands slip down to his chest, caressing him.

“Yuri...” he told him low, almost whining, and the younger understood what he wanted from him.

He had been there too long to ignore the meaning of his requests, and he knew from the undertone in his voice what he wanted from him.

And Yuri was always ready to satisfy him, because it didn’t matter how much time they had spent together, how accustomed they were to each other’s presence, he still knew his role.

He was his whore. His sex toy. And his job was to satisfy him every time he wanted, in any way he wanted.

He didn’t protest, ever.

Because even though he had the freedom to move around the neighbourhood, the freedom to manage his time the way he wanted, he still knew he was enchained to that existence.

Yuya had fun loosening the chains, but Yuri kept feeling their weight tying him to the yakuza, aware that he was never going to be free.

He knelt on the floor, turning toward him and finding that the elder had already undid his belt and pulled his jeans down enough for Yuri to face his cock, already hard.

Yuya grabbed his head harshly, and he obediently opened his mouth and let him slip inside, pushing deep down his throat.

He was used to the yakuza’s ways, and he barely noticed.

He had taught his body to fight against the gag reflex every time the elder pushed past his limit, he had taught his jaw not to hurt for the harsh treatment it received, he had taught his breath to keep regular every time he got too little air.

He was used to this, just like he was to everything else.

And even though Yuya still found something to complain about his sexual conduct, Yuri knew how pleased he actually was at his improvement.

For Chinen, it was merely logic: if he made Yuya happy, if he gave him his orgasm, if he let him do as he pleased with him and his body without complaining, the elder was going to have less reasons to get mad at him.

He let him thrust inside his mouth until he felt him tighten the hold on his head, and he groaned as Yuya’s cum hit the back of his throat, putting a strain to his resistance.

He tried to breathe through his nose, sure that the elder wasn’t going to move until he would’ve swallowed.

It had been going on like for over two years after all, and it was another thing he had taught to himself.

He did as he wanted, with little hardship, and he took a deep breath when Takaki finally let him go.

Then Yuya took his face in his hand, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, derisory almost, then he stretched and headed toward the bedroom, looking extremely satisfied.

“It’s no joke Yuri... no matter how tired I get from work, having you suck me off is always the solution.” he told him, with a relaxed smile, throwing himself on the mattress.

Chinen laid down next to him, arching an eyebrow.

He wanted to tell him the feeling was mutual, but he knew the yakuza wasn’t going to agree with sarcasm.

“What are your plans for tomorrow?” he asked, while the elder turned the TV on, not paying any real attention to it.

Yuya turned his nose up and raised his hand to scratch his forehead, thoughtful, something that Yuri found particularly funny.

“What plans _we_ have.” he clarified. “Tomorrow the newbie’s coming, and I suppose that Kota and I have to give him some coaching as to how survive as long as possible out there without taking a stray bullet. Not that I care, of course. But Kota has blabbed something about teaching him what we know and keep him alive, so in the end I agreed, at least to make him shut up. And...” he grimaced, not at all happy. “He’s bringing the psycho along. Try to deal with him, I don’t want to have him in my way tomorrow.” he said, taking off his shirt and throwing it in a corner of the room, then he laid down under the sheets.

Yuri turned his nose up, irritated.

“You know I don’t like it when you call Kei a psycho. He’s not, he’s just... he’s just got...” he tried to explain himself, but the elder interrupted him with a laughter.

“He’s got a few loose screws, doesn’t he? I don’t like having him around, I don’t like that Kota has got to bring him along whatever he does, as if he were a dog. But after all, I'm not brave enough to tell him anything about his sweet little Kei.” he mocked his friend, arching his eyebrows, then he brought his finger under the younger’s chin, looking straight into his eyes. “And don’t you be all self-righteous with me. You don’t like having him around either.”

Chinen shrugged, and didn’t answer.

He liked Kei, somehow. They often talked when they were together, and he told him everything that was going on with him.

He wasn’t sure as to how much the elder listened to him, or how much his mind registered anyway, but he kept talking to him nonetheless, finding in him a practical outlet.

But no, he didn’t like having him around.

There was something in his eyes he didn’t always like.

It was like a time bomb ready to explode, they were all aware of that, and none of them wanted to be there when it was going to happen.

But he didn’t say anything to Takaki. He wasn’t going to fuel the idea he had about Inoo being a psycho, he would’ve never done that.

He took a deep breath and laid down, while the elder turned his back on him.

He looked at the dragon tattooed on his back and he held his breath.

He remembered the first time he had seen it, and remembered how scared of it he had been.

He still hadn’t gotten used to it.

It was the only thing reminding him of who Yuya actually was, it was what reminded him that there was no hope for him, that he was never going to break those chains, that his fate was written in stone.

He wondered if he was ever going to get used to that thought.

 

~

 

Yabu had just gotten back home.

As usual, he had felt a certain anxiety doing so.

During all those years, he had always being scared of getting back home. He never knew what was going to wait for him, he didn’t know if Kei might’ve done something, if he could’ve also not been there waiting for him.

It would’ve been a problem. It would’ve been hard to look for him, convince him to go back, convince him for yet another time he wasn’t the bad one.

Kota sighed.

He looked into the living room and smiled openly when he saw his boyfriend comfortably sitting on a chair, drinking tea.

He rushed toward him and hugged him.

“Hi, honey.” he murmured, holding the younger’s head against his chest, trying not to make any harsh movement, nor anything that could’ve upset him.

“Ko! You’re back!” Kei uttered, brushing his face against him times and times again, basking in the feeling of that hold.

Yabu tried to smile, biting his lip.

“Of course I'm back, Kei. Where should’ve I gone without you?” he murmured, letting him go and heading toward the bedroom.

He took his clothes off, stopping for a moment to look at his own face in the mirror.

His eyes were circled in purple, and were red around the iris. A few wrinkles surrounded his face, and he kept telling himself that twenty-six years were too few to look like that already.

But he couldn’t help it.

He wasn’t going to exchange Kei for a more relaxed face, he would’ve never done that.

He sat down on the mattress, grimacing when he heard his bones creaking.

He laid down, just for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling and thinking.

He couldn’t take this life anymore.

He spent his whole day with Takaki, and he was afraid that going on like that he was going to end up like him.

He would’ve become someone who feels no mercy for other human beings, someone who always thinks to himself only, someone who walks straight down his path, without counting the corpses he leaves behind him.

When he had become his shatei, he counted the lifeless bodies he saw during a day.

Then they had become too many, he had lost count, and he had told himself that it didn’t matter.

It had been his choice, after all.

No one had forced him to lead this life, no one had forced him to become a criminal, no one had forced him to feel ashamed of himself.

He had done that out of need, and he didn’t regret that.

He felt more and more selfish, but he couldn’t waste time crying strangers’ death, when Kei was waiting home for him.

He wished he could’ve spent more time with him, but during the years they had built a working routine, and his terror what something was going to happen to him had turned to a slight fear which constantly walked along him.

He closed his eyes, clenched them, and when he opened them again he felt slightly better.

It had been eight years ago.

Eight incredibly long years, and everything still looked the same.

He remembered it as if it had happened only the day before.

He remembered Kei half-laying in that alley close to the school, he remembered the wounds on his body.

He remembered that endless cry, those tears he could never dry up.

He had cried too.

In the hospital’s aisle, while Kei tried to rest, when the doctor had told him what the younger had kept from him.

He couldn’t bear the thought of other men’s hands on Kei’s body.

He couldn’t think that they had taken him against his will, that they had hurt him, when Kota himself had always been so careful in trying to always make him feel good, to always make hi happy.

All his efforts had been wasted.

His parents had abandoned him to his fate, and when Kota had called them from the hospital they had told him to do as he pleased with him, that they weren’t going to cough up a yen for the medical expenses.

Yabu had yelled at the top of his lungs, he had told them he was their son, that it was bad, that he needed help.

_If you care so much, you can deal with it, kid._

That was what Kei’s father had told him.

And that was what he had done.

That was the reason why Yabu had ended up joining the yakuza.

For a while he had tried to make it do on his own; he had convinced his mother to let Kei live with them, but he had soon realized that the woman wasn’t comfortable having the boy there, she couldn’t deal with his sudden attacks and she wasn’t willing to do more than what was strictly necessary for him.

Yabu worked day and night to pay his medical expenses before and the psychiatrists later, but it hadn’t taken him more than a couple of months to surrender to his own failure.

There he had made his decision.

To hell with his diploma and having made it into Todai, to hell with his part-time jobs, he had tried to join the yakuza.

It hadn’t been easy. He didn’t know what to do, nor if he would’ve actually been able to lead that kind of life.

He kept telling himself one needed to born or sold into that life to become like them, but he had no intentions to get into debt up to his eyeballs and then risk for someone to come knocking on his door one day, killing him or hurting Kei.

If you can’t beat them, join them.

And now he had that apartment. 

It wasn’t much, but Kei seemed to like it.

He had money enough to afford the shrink and the meds for his boyfriend, and to let him have whatever he asked for, in the constant attempt at making him happy.

And he managed, the good days.

When Kei woke up and hadn’t had any nightmare, when he smiled and his days went on even when Kota couldn’t be there, when he truly looked happy.

It was bad days he was terrified of.

When he only tried to touch him and Kei screamed, when he cried uninterruptedly, when he refused to take his meds.

When he looked at Kota as if he was no better than the animals who had raped him years before.

And Yabu felt so miserable that Kei’s eyes managed to convince him he didn’t do enough for him.

Yuya always got mad about it.

When he gave him a ride and Kota got inside the car frowning or looking depressed, the elder always told him he couldn’t help it, that it was just how things went, that he couldn’t expect anything better from that life.

He could just hope for the next day to be better, that was all.

Kota hated the shallowness with which Yuya treated Kei, but he didn’t blame him.

It wasn’t his job to treat him better than he did. And he wasn’t even one of those who had treated him the worst during the years, so Kota had never dared to reply to the bad jokes on his boyfriend’s mental health.

Chinen was different.  

When Yuya had taken him he was just a kid, but Kota had liked the way he acted toward the yakuza, the way he stuck up for himself, how he didn’t let himself be conditioned by Yuya’s desires or meaningless requests.

He saw the marks on his body, of course.

But he had become cynical enough to say that life left those marks on each one of them, visible or not.

And Yuri took care of Kei, when he could. He would’ve almost said the two of them were friends, even though that very same word was abhorred by the younger, who always tried to pretend there was some distance between the two of them.

And Kota smiled and nodded, and he waited for the next time he and Kei would’ve gone to Takaki’s place, to see Yuri waiting for them, taking Inoo on a side when the other two had to work and telling him everything he had done in the time they hadn’t seen each other.

It was the thing most resembling human contact Kei had except for him, and Kota was grateful to the kid for having given a chance to someone who was seen by the rest of the world as a twenty-five years old neurotic with mental issues.

He sighed, trying to keep every definition his boyfriend had been given out of his mind.

He got up again, wearing a t-shirt and a pair of pants, then he joined Kei in the living room.

“Kei-chan?” he called him, asking for his attention. The younger raised his eyes and smiled to him.

“What, Ko?”

The elder took his hand, making him move until he was sitting on his lap on the couch, laying against him; then Kota started caressing his hair, gently, always trying to avoid any abrupt movement.

“How was your day, Kei?” he asked, while the younger closed his eyes and smiled, letting go to his touch.

“I watched TV.” he replied, happy.

Yabu sighed and licked his lips.

He wasn’t surprised. Almost every day he asked about his day, and the younger gave the exact same answer.

“Did you have fun?” he asked, plain, but still trying his hardest to sound cheerful.

Inoo nodded vigorously, resting his hand on top of the elder’s and softly caressing his fingers.

“Yes. There was a lot of fun stuff. Nothing boring like yesterday.” he told him.

Kota sighed again, and he knew it was going to go on for a while, hadn’t he found a way to get distracted.

He asked Kei to go to the bedroom, saying he was tired, and once they got into bed he got closer than usual to him.

“Kei?” he murmured, his voice vaguely sultry, hoping that the younger wasn’t going to get upset for a too direct approach.

“What is it, Kota?” he asked, defensive.

Yabu caressed his hip on top of the t-shirt, trying to make it soothing.

“Kei, do you feel like...?”

He bit his tongue right after, letting Inoo understand on his own what he was asking.

And the younger might’ve also liked to pretend he didn’t understand what went on around him, he could estrange himself, but Kota knew he always understood everything.

Especially that kind of things.

Kei didn’t answer, he didn’t deem it necessary. He nodded though, moving closer to his boyfriend, never tearing his eyes off of him, studying his movements.

Yabu lowered his head, trying to gather up his courage, and started caressing him more confidently, his mouth leaving a trail of kisses down his neck and his collarbone, taking his t-shirt off and then his pants, starting to feel the urge.

He was as careful as usual when he let his fingers slip inside of him, making sure he wasn’t scaring or hurting him.

He kept watching him, analysing his expressions, searching for something which told him to stop, that  he didn’t feel comfortable.

But, as tense as he could be, Kei didn’t seem about to have a breakdown.

He moved between his legs, pushing against his rim and getting inside of him, slowly, making him get used to it little by little before bottoming out.

The heat wrapped around him was incredible.

How long had it been since he had last felt it, and how much had he craved it?

Perhaps he had kept still too short before making him adjust completely, but he couldn’t help it.

He thrust inside, harder than before, resting his forehead against his shoulder and missing that slight spasm in the younger’s body, that moan that he couldn’t define, his hands clawing his back.

But, as he kept moving inside of him, he couldn’t ignore the piercing scream Kei let out.

Kota froze, propping himself up on his elbows and looking at him, his eyes wide open.

The younger was writhing, trying to hit him, his eyes closed and a terrified look on his face.

“Stop, stop! You’re just like them, stop! Please, don’t hurt me, don’t...”

Kota stopped his delirium bringing a hand to his face, caressing him.

“Kei... Kei!” he hissed, frowning. “I'm pulling out Kei, alright?” he murmured then, unwillingly pulling out of that body, lying next to him and holding him in his arms, murmuring sweet nothings in his ear.

“Count with me, Kei. One...”

“O-one.” his boyfriend repeated, panting and shivering.

“Two... three... four...”

They counted together to ten, and then Kei seemed to get back to normal.

They didn’t say another word.

Kota waited for him to fall asleep, then he got up, careful not to wake him, and headed to the bathroom, locking himself inside and leaning against the wall, making an exasperate sound.

He grabbed his cock almost brutally and started stroking himself fast, as if he couldn’t wait to be done.

They hadn’t had sex in almost two months.

And before then... he couldn’t even remember.

They sex life wasn’t so great, Kota knew why and he had never complained.

He came with a chocked moan on his own hand, then he washed up quickly and went back to the next room, worried that Kei might’ve woken up and not found him there.

He fell asleep looking at his boyfriend, looking at his apparently serene expression, and like every night he wondered what was going on inside that mind, what was wrong with him, who in all those years hadn’t been able to erase from his body the marks of those men.

Kota closed his eyes, tired.

So damn tired.


	3. Kuroi asa, Shiroi Yoru (Black morning, white night)

**_03 – Kuroi asa, Shiroy yoru (Black morning, white night)_ **

****

_“Even if I were to kiss you, you wouldn’t smile to me.”_

_[Santa Maria, Yamashita Tomohisa]_

Yuya was about to go crazy.

That, as it turned out, had also been a terrible day.

He didn’t like that Hikaru.

There was something in his smile, which he had classified right away as fake, and in his put-on attitude that kept convincing him he wasn’t cut out to be a yakuza.

But orders were orders, right?

Kota had repeated that for the whole day.

He had told him while they put a gun in his hands to shoot one of their creditors in the leg, he had told him while they kept listening to his complaints and his doubts, he had told him when Yuya had lost his patience and had grabbed Hikaru’s neck, dead set into throwing him in the Tokyo Bay as soon as possible.

Orders were orders. And if the boss wanted them to teach that manicured kid to do something he wasn’t absolutely cut out for, it wasn’t his problem.

Now that they were at his apartment, he felt better.

He always favoured to play on his territory. There where he could rule, there where he was in control.

There where he was sure he could put his hands around Yaotome’s throat if he wanted to, without making a mess.

Kota was explaining to the shatei what their boundaries were and what their range included, and Yuya was actually pretty bored.

Chinen was in the kitchen with Kei, they were drinking beer and talking, and he had heard more than once his name.

He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Yuri was telling him, but he didn’t care too much.

Let him say whatever he wanted. It wasn’t something he was going to feel ashamed or apologetic about.

He arched an eyebrow, his attention back on the two men sitting in the living room.

Hadn’t they been there, he would’ve likely thrown Yuri on that same floor and he would’ve fucked him.

He would’ve tied him up, perhaps, preventing him from moving. He would’ve grabbed his favourite knife and would’ve left a few cuts on his back, just so that the younger wasn’t going to forget the taste of that blade.

He hadn’t seriously injured him in a long while, and he didn’t want him to get used to something too mild.

“Yuri! Beer!” he yelled at some point, raising his eyes on the other two, smirking.

When the younger joined them in the living room, Inoo following suit, Yuya saw Hikaru resting his eyes on them, curious.

He stood up, bringing an arm around Yuri’s shoulders, defensive, and grabbed his beer.

“Oh, forgive me, I don’t think I’ve introduced the two of you.” he said, with a sugared smile. “He’s Yuri, my whore. Yu, this is Hikaru. You know, the newbie I told you about?” he said, lowering his eyes on the younger and seeing him frown.

He chuckled, knowing how much it bothered him to be introduced like that.

Well, whether he liked it or not, that’s what he was.

He heard Kei behind him clearing his throat, eloquent, but he kept ignoring him until he stood in front of him, smiling to Yaotome.

“Takaki is never been too polite. Or smart, anyway. I'm Kei.” he introduced himself, then he looked challenging at the eldest yakuza, as if he wanted to see if he was going to take the bait and say something to him in front of Kota.

And Yuya let it slide, as usual.

Not that  he was scared of Yabu; he was far from being a threat.

But he wasn’t willing to spend the next hour hearing him blabbing about Kei’s problems, about how fragile he was and...

Bullshit.

Anyway, more than getting mad at Kei, he wanted to erase that interested look on Hikaru’s face as he stared at Yuri.

He didn’t like it, at all.

There had been men who had looked at him too much. There had been time where the two of them were together and someone had gotten handsy, had dared touching him, smiling to him in a grotesquely allusive way.

And Yuya had always dealt with it.

Some spilled blood was well worth stressing a fundamental concept: Yuri belonged to him and no one else.

He started talking again, sipping his beer and keeping the kid on his leg, unaware of the others’ stares on them.

“So... are we done explaining to him what he’s got to do? I'm sure that as slow as he is, he doesn’t need us to spell it out for him, Kota.” he said, after a good half hour more listening, more and more bored and antsy, wanting them to leave his apartment.

Kota arched an eyebrow and was about to reply, when Kei intervened.

“Yeah Kota, let’s get home please. There’s a film I want to catch on TV tonight, and it’s about to start.” he told him, with that innocent and out-of-the-world tone that got so much on Takaki’s nerves.

Hikaru looked at him, almost disgusted for the inappropriate intromission, and stood up, getting close to him.

“I'm sure your film can wait. Why don’t you go play somewhere else while we talk?” he murmured, derisory, bringing a hand to his face and brushing his cheek.

Yuya reacted instinctively and moved both himself and Chinen against the couch’s backrest, while Kota jumped up and went across them, heading toward the younger and putting a hand around his throat.

“What him and I do is none of your business, is it?” he hissed, a few inches apart from his face.

Yuya saw the hand tightening on the shatei’s throat, and let go of Yuri to go stand next to him.

“Kota...” he said as a warning, ignoring Kei, who was touching his cheek there where Yaotome had touched him.

Yabu breathed deeply a couple of times, then he let him go.

He didn’t say another words.

He took Kei’s hands, careful not to show him his nervousness, and they both headed toward the front door, murmuring a goodbye before slamming it behind them.

Chinen had stayed on the couch, getting estranged from the situation, while the elder grinned and looked at Hikaru.

“Kota’s innocuous, in most cases.” he told him, colloquially. “But if someone touches Kei... well, let’s say that I taught him a few tricks to torture a human being until they beg for mercy. Just to be sure.” he said, in a clear attempt at scaring him; he got pleased when he saw the shatei swallow nervously.

“I'd say it’s time for me to go home.” the younger murmured, grabbing the jacket that Yuri had promptly handed to him.

“I see at the very least you’re perceptive.” Chinen told him grimacing, then he rushed next to Yuya to prevent any reaction to the sarcastic comment.

But Hikaru understood it wouldn’t have been the best idea to keep arguing, and he rushed out of the apartment.

Once left alone, Yuri quietly gathered the bottles of beer left on the coffee table and brought them to the kitchen.

Takaki stood in the middle of the room for a while, then he followed him.

He went behind him, putting his hands on his hips and kissing behind his neck, feeling his froze under his touch, as usual.

He sighed, deciding it was better to forget about any sexual approach for the time being.

He wasn’t in the mood anymore, and he would’ve gotten worried about that, hadn’t he had other plans for the night.

“Get dressed.” he told the younger, grabbing his shoulder and pushing him toward the bedroom. “And decently, if you can.” he added, smirking.

Yuri arched an eyebrow, confused, but he did as asked.

“Where are we going?” he asked, as he quickly took off the clothes he wore home and put on a pair of jeans and an almost elegant shirt.

Yuya barely held back a smile.

He remembered those clothes. They had gone together to buy them a few months before, when the kid had whined about having nothing to wear.

And he remembered he had had fun shopping with him, even though he hadn’t admitted that openly.

“We’re going eating sushi.” he answered, giving no further explanations, the look on his face telling Yuri he wasn’t going to.

He wanted to surprise him, for once.

 

~

 

Yuri looked around, confused.

It wasn’t the first time he went to a sushi bar. In that particular one, he had been a lot of other times.

It was in Ginza, a pretty in view place. Yuya went there from time to time for business meetings, when he wanted to have witnesses to inhibit the counterpart from doing something inappropriate.

He often brought him along. He always said he got bored on the way back, and that he needed Yuri as a pastime.

Chinen rolled his eyes every time he said stuff like that.

Because the car ride was thirty minutes, forty-five if the traffic was heavy, and because at the end of those nights he always ended up tied to a bed of some squalid love hotel, and the wounds on his body always looked worse than the ones he got when the yakuza raped him at home.

He had come to the conclusion that the elder brought him there only when he felt particularly inspired, but Yuri didn’t complain about that either.

That night, though, something was different.

There was no one else with them, and since they had arrived Yuya hadn’t thrown at him any of his lewd glances, hinting at what his plans were for the night.

But Yuri had decided he was going to deal with that later.

He grabbed the sushi as soon as it was under his nose, one piece after the other, without being too picky.

Sushi was one of his favourite things, and his meals weren’t usually great anyway.

Every time they went there, so, he tried to at least let it be worth it.

He had just put a ebi into his mouth, when Takaki had cleared his throat, looking seriously at him.

“What?” the younger asked, his mouth full.

Yuya grimaced, flicking his forehead.

“Swallow before speaking, you little idiot.” he murmured, fidgeting on his chair.

Yuri arched an eyebrow, still confused at the yakuza’s behaviour.

He was still wondering what they were doing there, but he didn’t dare to investigate. Takaki didn’t seem to be in the best of moods, and he didn’t want to risk him getting mad at him.

A few more minutes went by, and he kept eating as if everything was fine.

“Today... today’s your birthday, isn't it?”

Chinen left a te maki hanging and stared at the elder, his eyes wide open.

“Yes. Yes, it’s my birthday. Why?” he asked, defensive.

Yuya shrugged.

“Because. I thought I remembered. It’s seventeen, right?”

“Yeah.” Yuri seemed to think about it, then he smiled. “Is that why we’re here? To celebrate my birthday?” he asked, incredulous.

He saw Takaki’s face get red all of a sudden, and he was quick enough to dodge a blow directed to his face.

“Don’t be an idiot, kid. As if I care about your damn birthday.” he hissed, looking at him as if he was a cockroach and going back to eat.

Chinen smiled, shaking his head.

The first year he had spent with him, he had told him it was his birthday.

Takaki had laughed and had hit him, then he had raped him.

Told him that was his present.

Last year he had just ignored it, and Yuri hadn’t been so stupid to remind it to him.

He hadn’t expected anything for that year, and he liked the mere fact that he had remembered it.

It was a small thing, it didn’t make him better to his eyes, but it was a sign.

He kept accurately choosing pieces of sushi and eating them, enjoying his celebration the best he could.

Once they were done eating and got back to the car, they were both in a good mood. Chinen hadn’t said a word, and he just looked out the opened window, the fresh air messing with his hair as he breathed in deeply.

“You know, a bus could come our way and sever your head.” the elder mocked him, arching an eyebrow.

Chinen winced and moved back inside; he was about to tell him something, when the car slowed down.

He frowned, lowering his eyes.

He knew that place.

He knew the sign. He knew the street, hidden from the main road.

He sighed while Yuya perked and got off the car, going to open his door.

“Come on, get off.” he told him, pulling on his arm.

Yuri followed him slowly, never looking in front of him.

And he didn’t say a word until they had reached the room, very similar if not identical to others he had seen during the years.

Takaki signalled for him to get on the bed and he obeyed, tame, taking off his shoes and sitting on the big mattress, brushing his hand over the rough bedspread.

It was far from being Tokyo’s most refined place.

“What are we doing here, Yuya?” he asked, his voice feeble, aware of how stupid and pointless his question was.

The elder raised his eyes on him and made a sarcastic sound.

“We’re here to make sweet love, Yuri.” he said, shaking his head and avoiding to comment on his idiocy; then he undid both his belt and his pants and took them off, abandoning them in the middle of the room and joining him on the bed.

He grabbed his hips and leant down, biting on his shoulder. Hard.

Yuri took his lower lip between his teeth, trying not to make a sound.

In the past years, he had never felt so much like crying.

He felt betrayed in that flash of trust he had decided to put in Yuya, a betrayal getting deep, making him feel sick, annihilated.

Idiot, for having only darer to hope the elder could actually show him some mercy.

He clenched his teeth and swore to himself he was never going to let the yakuza catch him off guard again, making him feel conned as he was feeling right now.

Yuya quickly took his clothes off and made him lay against the mattress, tying his wrist to the headboard and climbing on top of him.

Chinen felt him scratch him. And bite again.

When the elder took the knife out then, he sighed.

There was no hope this was going to be better than usual, and again he felt like an idiot.

“Please, Yuya. Don’t. Not tonight.” he murmured, and Takaki stopped for a moment, looking almost confusedly at him.

“Why? Do you think it’s going to hurt less tomorrow?” he replied, grinning, then he stretched toward the nightstand and Yuri had barely time to realize what was happening when everything went dark.

He struggled against the blindfold, writhing under the elder’s body, but Takaki didn’t even notice.

“Isn't it funnier this way, Yuri?” he murmured in his ear, leaving the first cut under his ribcage. “Without seeing anything.” the second arrived in the middle of his chest. “Without knowing when it’s going to hit.” the third above his collarbone.

Then he kept quiet and kept cutting.

And Chinen let his eyes tear up, because with the blindfold on the elder wasn’t going to notice.

It hurt, but it was a pain he was used to.

What he couldn’t stand was...

Why the hell had he hoped in it? Why had he believed that night was going to be different from all the others?

He was his whore, his toy, just an object.

And Yuya was free to do as he pleased with him, whenever he wanted to.

He had only deluded himself.

He felt his skin shred to pieces; his chest, his arms, his legs.

Then he felt Yuya get close to his face and slap him a couple of times, hard, then he grabbed his jaw and forced him to open his mouth, thrusting his cock inside and pushing his hips against him.

He heard the sound of a lighter, and he shivered.

“I’ve never tried this, have I, Yuri?” the elder whispered, then he put out a cigarette on his hip.

It was a new pain, it was something he wasn’t used to.

It was excruciating, almost unbearable.

Yuri screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed, muffled by the elder’s cock, and Yuya laughed, amused by his pain.

He pulled out of his mouth before he reached his limit, then he harshly opened his legs and thrust inside of him, ramming inside as if Yuri was just a shell, seeming to get more satisfaction from his screaming, so much that it only took him a few minutes to come.

He didn’t linger inside his body; he pulled out quickly and untied him, then he collapsed next to him, trying to recover.

Chinen kept still.

He tried to breath and hoped his eyes had dried up, then he took the blindfold off.

He laid down, crouching up and resting his head on the pillow, turning his back on the yakuza.

They kept quiet for a long while, then Yuya snorted and hit his back.

“What the hell’s wrong with you, kid?” he asked, his tone annoyed.

Yuri wasn’t going to play his game, that night; he couldn’t.

“Nothing.” he replied, dry.

Yuya sat up, pulling on his arm until he was facing him again.

Yuri groaned at the contact between the yakuza’s hand and his wounds, but he didn’t complain any further.

“Come on... you were in a good mood at dinner. What’s wrong now?” he asked, genuinely curious.

Chinen wanted to tear that look off his face.

“Nothing, Yuya. I.” he brushed a hand over his face, nervously. “It’s my own fault. I'm been an idiot thinking things would’ve gone down differently.” he said then, trying to turn again and meeting resistance from the elder.

“What do you mean ‘differently’? I don’t think I did something I hadn’t already done before. You should’ve gotten used to it, right Yuri?”

“You took me out to dinner, didn’t you?” Chinen murmured, embarrassed.

Takaki’s lips got thinner, as he got mad.

“I wanted sushi. Don’t get weird ideas.” he hissed. “And then I wanted to lash out and fuck you. There’s nothing wrong with it, considering it’s been going on like this for three years now.”

Chinen jumped off the bed, glaring at him.

“You’re right. Two years ago you’ve raped me for my birthday, telling me I should’ve settled for that as a present, last year you’ve ignored it entirely and all of the sudden this year you’ve decided to remember it and go out for dinner. Perfect, Yuya. I'm an idiot, it’s my fault for wanting to see more behind a coincidence. But what was I expecting? Things are never going to get better with you, are they? I’ll keep being a possession for you and nothing else!” he yelled, wiggling out of his hold when the elder put a hand on his arm.

“I don’t treat you like a possession, you little ungrateful...” he stood up. “It’s not the first time I take you out to dinner. I’ve brought you to buy those damn clothes you’re wearing. I’ve let you buy schoolbooks when you wanted to read them, no matter how pointless it was. I talk to you at night when I get back home, I tell you about work, I treat you like a friend. What the hell are you complaining about?” he waited for him to reply, and when he realized he wasn’t going to he went on. “Yet you didn’t complain before killing your parents, did you? You were fine with shutting the fuck up and go on, until you had a goal. And what do you plan on doing now, Yuri? If you’re in so much pain, you may as well go to the bathroom, take a blade and slit your wrists. It’s not my problem.” he said, sitting back on the bed and turning his back on him.

Chinen had kept watching him during all his ranting, but when he saw him lay down he got next to him and started caressing his back, lazily, tracing the contours of the tattoo with his fingertips.

“Would you be sad?” he asked after a few moments, holding his breath while waiting for his answer.

“It’d be a nuisance.” was the reply, and Yuri suddenly stopped touching him, closing his eyes for a few moments before being scolded. “Don’t stop touching me. It’s relaxing.”

He brushed his fingers down his back again, slowly, staring at the tattoo and as usual feeling as if the dragon’s eyes stared into his own.

It was probably an intended effect.

“Do you like the tattoo?” Takaki asked him point blank, and Yuri took it as a mere pretext to make conversation.

“Yes. I do like the tattoo, but... I hate it. I don’t like what it stands for.” he replied, honestly.

He was expecting Yuya to laugh or to mock him for that childish comment, but the elder just sighed.

“Do you know the legend of the nishikigoi?”  he asked, tiredly.

Chinen opened his eyes wide before telling him he had never heard of it.

“The legend says that one day a carp managed to swim through a waterfall upstream, on the Yellow River, until it reached the Dragon’s Door, passing the evil spirits, and that the Gods, impressed by its tenacity, turned it into a dragon. This is why in representations dragons have some of the carp’s features. And they’re a symbol of courage and perseverance.” he sighed, again. “All my tattoos have a meaning, and they’re not there to scare some easily impressed kid.” he told him, then turned to look at him again. “What have I done wrong, Yuri?” he asked, and it looked to the younger as if he was truly willing to try and understand.

This didn’t change anything, though.

It wasn’t his intentions, it was results which always burned him, and he was sure that no matter how hard he tried, the yakuza was never going to get that.

“Don’t worry, Yuya. I told you, it’s me... I’ve misunderstood. Don’t sweat it. I'm sorry I got mad.”

And he shouldn’t have been the one to apologise. He shouldn’t have, because what he had been doing to him these past three years didn’t deserve such a lack of dignity.

But this was how it went, and he had given up too long ago to still be able to afford to recriminate.

He saw Yuya get up from the bed, reach his bag and pull something out of it.

“It’s the book you said you wanted. Happy birthday, Yuri.” he murmured, throwing the book on the bed and heading to the bathroom; a few seconds later Yuri heard the water running.

He kept still for a moment looking at the book, then he took it and started turning its pages.

He felt the weight of the betrayal fading, disappear, and he told himself it wasn’t fair, that hating Yuya for what he did and was going to keep doing was the only possible way, the only thing which would’ve prevented him from feeling hurt on a whole other level, one he wasn’t ready to face.

In the end, as he had been wishing he could’ve done for hours, he cried.


	4. Chikai no Sora (Close sky)

**_04 – Chikai no Sora (Close sky)_ **

****

_“To protect that smile,_

_I don’t care about risking my own life.”_

_[Mayonaka no Shadow Boy, Hey! Say! JUMP]_

“Kota and I had sex last night.”

Chinen almost chocked on his coffee.

He loved Kei, really. As much as he could tell Yuya he wasn’t crazy about spending his time with him, he actually saw him as a good friend.

The best he had, all in all.

They were having breakfast together at a coffee place in Asakusa, when Kei had given him the good news.

“So?” he replied, sourly. “I don’t see why I should be interested in that.”

Inoo shrugged, sipping his milkshake.

“We hadn’t done that in a while. He... he hadn’t tried in a long time. Because last time I’ve had somewhat of a crisis, you know.” he murmured, and Chinen thought Kei should’ve at least felt uncomfortable telling that stuff to him, but the elder didn’t seem to feel any shame.

“Ah. Fine. And... how did it go?” he asked, trying to feign some interest in their sexual issues.

Kei smiled, lowering his eyes and nibbling at the straw.

“He... well, he wanted me to take his place. He said I wasn’t going to be afraid like that, and that we could see if it was better that way.” he smiled again. “And it was. I managed to get till the end, at least. And I didn’t panic.”

Yuri wanted to press his hands on his ears and don’t be forced to hear.

No, he didn’t like him to tell him those details about his life with Yabu.

And no, he didn’t like to hear how the elder took care of him, how he always tried to make him happy, to be sure he was safe, that he wasn’t scared nor in pain.

That was what Yuya hated about Kei.

He said that to Yuri every time they talked about Inoo, he told him that Yuri and Kei weren’t so different.

That he had been raped too, he was raped constantly, and he hadn’t had any breakdown, he didn’t take psychiatric drugs and he didn’t act as if he whole world was out to get him.

Chinen never replied to his monologues against Inoo.

Still, he thought about it.

In what were they so different?

Why had he dealt with it while Kei couldn’t?

And he told himself it was character, but it couldn’t be just that.

Yabu had told him, once.

He had told him about the men who had cornered Kei in an alley, how they had abused him, how they had humiliated him in any possible way, and how he had later tried to find out who they were, never managing to do that.

He had told him how years before Kei had been in an even worse shape than he was now, and how he used to refuse to get out of home.

How much he had struggled to gain his trust back, for him to allow him to touch him, to be with him even when he had his attacks, when he got paranoid and the neurosis turned into a full-on psychotic break.

Then Kota had thanked Yuri because he spent his time with him, because Kei had grown close to him; he was glad his boyfriend had someone else to rely on, in addition to him.

And Yuri had felt embarrassed, because he didn’t think he did anything special, nothing in comparison to what Kota had been through.

And there laid the difference, he had realized.

Kei was allowed his breakdowns.

Kei was allowed to hole himself up inside their apartment for days.

Kei was allowed not to trust those surrounding him, waiting for someone to protect him from the continuous threats he saw around.

Yuri wasn’t.

No one was going to help him anyway. No one was going to take care of him if he had had a panic attack, if he had gotten paranoid, if he had had a mental breakdown.

He was alone, alone he had had to react the first times Yuya had raped him, alone he had overcome the initial disgust, and so he had overcome it all and accepted it.

But he loved Kei, in some twisted way, and he couldn’t envy what he had. He was glad when he told him about Yabu and everything the elder did for him.

He managed to keep out of his mind what he had instead, and he went on down his road.

He smiled to Inoo, amused by the blissful look on his face, and he kept sipping his coffee.

“I'm glad you managed, Kei. I'm sure Kota must’ve been happy, right?” he asked, laughing openly at the way the elder’s eyes lit up as he nodded vigorously.

A few minutes later they got up, and Chinen walked Kei home.

He knew all too well how uncomfortable he was walking around alone, and he didn’t mind too much keeping him some company.

He had nothing else to do anyway, waiting for Yuya to get back home.

“Kota told me that the new shatei, Hikaru, doesn’t get along with Yuya. How come?” Inoo asked point blank, following the train of his thoughts.

Yuri nodded, grimacing.

“Yuya doesn’t really like those who want to act on their own accord. It’s something I’ve learnt in time, if one wants to get along with him, they must always let him believe he’s right. And Hikaru doesn’t seem to have grasped the concept yet.” he explained, staring at a blank spot while he kept walking. “And then there’s the fact that he seems to be... I don’t know. Interested in me, maybe. Or at least, Yuya says he looks at me too much when he’s at our place, but I didn’t notice that.”

Kei bit his lip, thoughtful.

“If that’s true, it doesn’t have to sit right with him at all, does it? Yuya doesn’t seem the kind of man willing to let other people touch his...” he stopped, blushing, understanding he had spoken out of turn.

Yuri burst out laughing and shook his head to reassure him.

“His stuff. You can say that, you know? He’s told me way worse, and it’s what I am, ain’t it?” he said, without a hint of bitterness in his voice.

Kei smiled, lightly, while the embarrassment faded.

“And what are you going to do? If Hikaru really has his eyes on you...” the younger interrupted him before he could finish his sentence.

“He can do whatever he wants. I... well, I don’t mind his company, at all. It’s a nice diversion when it’s just me and Yuya. But I don’t think he actually realizes what he risks laying his eyes on me.” he grinned, licking his lower lip. “Yuya’s imagination is incredibly good when he wants to hurt someone.”

He raised his eyes, realizing they had reached Kei’s and Kota’s place.

He waved the elder goodbye, patiently waiting for him to find the keys and to walk inside, then he turned around and he slowly headed home.

He thought about what he had just told Kei.

Was it true what Yuya had told him, or was the elder just being paranoid?

When Hikaru was at their place, he talked to him way more than others before him had ever done.

Other people from the yakuza, Yuya’s ‘co-workers’, or whomever got there, either ignored his presence or made really bad jokes about his role in Yuya’s life.

Hikaru was different.

From time to time he joked too, but it was like he regretted it straight after, and apologized.

He talked to him when he got there too early and Yuya still wasn’t home. He told him about what he had done during the day, and he asked what Yuri had done.

He touched him, from time to time.

They were light touches, which Chinen wouldn’t have even noticed, hadn’t it been for his repulsion for having other people’s hands on him.

On his arm, his face, his shoulder... always casual, but were they really?

Yuri bit his lip, worried.

He liked Yaotome, more than he could remember ever liking anyone else he had met these past three years.

And Yuya, like he had told Kei, had a brilliant imagination.

He just hoped no one was going to get hurt.

 

~

 

He had been looking at him for a while now.

He was busy in the kitchen, putting away groceries as he tried to move swiftly in what little space he had.

Hikaru smiled.

It wasn’t the first time he got surprised at how Yuri looked comfortable in what, all in all, wasn’t much more than a prison to him. 

The younger got back in the living room with an annoyed look on his face, and he grimaced when he saw him smile.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, irritated.

The elder shrugged, as to say it didn’t matter.

“Nothing. I like how you’ve committed to the role of the housewife.” he mocked him.

Yuri arched an eyebrow, leaning against the doorframe with a studied pose.

“Yuya isn't going to be back for over an hour. He said you can even go back home, instead of waiting here for him.” he told him, and Yaotome knew it wasn’t much an invitation, more an order.

But he didn’t care for it; even though he was his shatei and was supposed to listen to him, there was very little that Takaki said and he actually cared for.

He stood up, reaching Chinen and putting a hand down on his shoulder.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, whispering, leaning over for their eyes to be at the same height.

The younger scoffed and pushed his hand away.

“It doesn’t concern me. You’re not my guest and this is not my home, is it? Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t have the right to ask you to leave.” he replied, turning his back on him.

Hikaru walked behind him quickly, bringing his arms around his waist and pressing his forehead against the back of his head, breathing in his scent quickly, waiting to be pushed away any moment.

But it didn’t happen.

Chinen kept still, almost holding his breath, and so Hikaru started caressing his hips in circles, light but firm touches, reaching under the worn out t-shirt the younger was wearing and finding direct contact with his skin.

“What are you planning to do?” Yuri murmured, his voice off, and only now he turned to look at him.

Hikaru pulled his hands away, sighing.

“What does that mean? I think it’s pretty clear what I was doing, isn't it?”

He wasn’t comfortable in that situation. He didn’t like the empty stare on Yuri’s face, nor the challenge in his voice, the same he used with Yuya.

He didn’t like the younger treating him as he did Takaki.

“Yes, I think I get what you were doing. I just want to know if you realize what you’re risking. You can use me as much as you like; after all, we both know I’d look kind of ridiculous if I were to try and struggle. And anyway, this is my role, this is what I'm useful for, right? If you want my body, go ahead and take it. Just know that Yuya is not going to be happy about it. And you’ve been knowing him long enough now to know he’s not nice when things don’t go according to his plans.” he said, cold, so much that Hikaru got surprised at how plain he managed to sound while saying stuff like that.

He grabbed his t-shirt’s collar, instinctively, throwing him against a wall.

“Do you really think I'm like him, Yuri? Do you really think that all I want is get a nice fuck and I couldn’t find better than you for the purpose?” he loosened the hold, frowned and sighed. “I don’t want to do anything to you that you don’t want as well. Not me, too. Just let me show you how wrong is for you to live like this, let me show you that things don’t necessarily have to be the way Yuya has always shown to you. Please. It’s all I'm asking.”

It happened in the blink of an eye, so fast that Hikaru barely had time to react.

Chinen tiptoed, threw his arms around his neck and pressed his lips on him.

The elder didn’t know what in his words had stroke a chord, but he wasn’t going to stop to think about it now.

It had been since he had first stepped inside that house, since he had seen him, since he had understood what was the nature of his relationship to Yuya that he had been wanting to do this.

He wanted to tear him away from that idea of sex, he wanted to make him feel something different from what Takaki gave to him every day, wanted to feel him underneath and see his face twisted by pleasure, because he was sure no one had ever done that for him until now.

He liked Chinen. More than he should’ve, more than he would’ve thought, considering he was seventeen and Hikaru was almost six years older, but he didn’t care.

It was what he wanted, he wanted it now, and since the younger was telling him he could have it, he wasn’t going to stop to make pointless considerations.

He grabbed him under his legs, picking him up and letting him go on the couch, then he started taking his clothes off until he was naked underneath him.

He kept staring at him in horror for a few moments.

His chest, his legs, his hips, his arms...

They were covered in small but definite scars.

Some were long, white and regular, marks of a blade, some were circular and jagged, as if from a bite, some of fingernails, some from cigarettes and...

He bit his lip, leaning toward him to brush his mouth over them, tracing their contours with his lips and tongue while the younger whined, uncomfortable for the situation and those scars he didn’t want to explain. But Hikaru wasn’t going to ask, he didn’t need to.

He went lower and lower, starting to stroke the younger’s shaft, wrapping his lips around the head, licking slowly, relishing his soft moans, smiling against his skin.

He raised his arm to bring his fingers to his lips, letting Yuri open them and the run his tongue all over them; once he was satisfied, Hikaru brought them to his rim and pushed one inside, watching him bite on his lower lip and push against his hand, asking for more.

Hikaru took his sweet time preparing him, being even more careful than necessary; but he wanted to prove to him that things didn’t have to be the way Takaki had gotten him used to.

After a while he took off his own clothes and climbed on top of him, making room between his legs and bringing his cock against him, relishing the pure desire in his eyes.

“Can I?” he asked, in a whisper, and the younger chuckled.

“I swear, it’s the first time I hear that question.” he replied, and then he nodded.

Yaotome didn’t doubt that.

He pushed inside of him, slowly and trying not to hurt him, and he started moving only when he got sure Yuri had adjusted to the feeling of having him inside.

He set a pace in crescendo, finding it hard to control himself, to resist to the warmth of his body, his moans, his hands clawing his back and pulling him even closer, as if he couldn’t have enough of it, as if he truly needed it.

After a while Hikaru started stoking him again, trying to keep the same pace of his thrusts inside of him, and it didn’t took him long to make Yuri come with a scream, biting down on his shoulder.

Hikaru smiled, satisfied, then he went back focusing on his own orgasm.

He thrust harder inside of him, erratic, and a short while later he was coming, biting hard on his tongue and looking straight into his eyes, finding him the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

They kept quiet, hit by how unreal the whole thing felt.

Hikaru pulled out of him, sat next to him and stared at a blank spot, absorbed.

He recovered only when he heard Chinen sigh, and he turned to look at him.

“We better get dressed. Yuya is going to be home shortly.” he told him, and the elder couldn’t quite read his tone.

He did as he had asked, never tearing his eyes from him.

“Do you regret it?” he murmured, and Yuri brushed a hand over his own face, exasperated.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I regret it. But what’s sure is that we shouldn’t have, and if Yuya finds out my head is going to be severed from my neck, just like yours. I told you, he doesn’t like others playing with his toys.” he hissed, his breath suddenly heavy as he got anxious.

Yaotome bit his tongue, irritated.

“Damn it, Yuri!” he inveighed, grabbing his shoulder. “I know the way he treats you, I know what he does to you, but I don’t understand how you can call yourself a toy. You’re not an object just because he sees you like one. Things don’t have to be like this, you know? You’re not forced to bear everything he...” the younger interrupted him, pushing his hand away abruptly, arching an eyebrow with an ironic look on his face.

“Am I not, Hikaru? Am I not forced to put up with what he does to me? And what’s the alternative?” he asked, crossing his arms. “I don’t regret having had sex with you. All I know is Yuya, and believe me when I tell you this was the first time I got any kind of preparation, the first time someone worried about me reaching an orgasm and the first time I don’t end up covered in bruises, scratches and wounds from head to toe. But... it doesn’t change anything. I belong to him, and that’s not going to change until he’s going to grow tired of me. And you can't help it.”

Hikaru was about to reply, but then they heard the door opening and Yuya greeting out loud.

“What are you doing?” he asked, walking into the living room and finding them in the middle of the room, so close to each other and with an eloquent look on their faces.

“Nothing.” Chinen replied promptly. “I'm bringing you a beer.” he added then, heading toward the kitchen.

Yaotome saw Takaki staring at him for a few more moments, then he shrugged and sat on the couch, signalling for him to do the same.

So he sat in front of him, never tearing his eyes from the kitchen, waiting for the younger to get back to the room.

All he wanted was a glance, a sign that would’ve meant things could change, that he was going to let Hikaru do something because he wasn’t going to take the yakuza’s abuses anymore.

But when Yuri came back, his eyes were fixated on the floor.

And Hikaru sighed.

All he asked for was a chance. But it was going to take a lot more to make Yuri realize this couldn’t be his destiny.

 


	5. Nemuri no Mori (The sleeping forest)

**_05 – Nemuri no Mori (Sleeping forest)_ **

****

_“A little sad, we share kindness_

_Until one day we’re going to hurt each other.”_

_[Tsubusa ni Koi, Kanjani8]_

Yuya got out the shower, grabbing a towel and staring at himself in the mirror.

He was nervous. Incredibly so.

And he knew what that was due to, even though he was reluctant to admitting it to himself.

He walked out the bathroom and found Chinen lying on the bed and surfing through TV channels, distracted. He raised his eyes on him for a split second and then averted them, as if he didn’t want to draw any attention on himself.

Takaki winced and got close to him.

They hadn’t had sex in almost a week. And it wasn’t something he was used to, at all.

He kept feeling like an idiot, thinking he just needed to take Yuri right now, throw him on the mattress and fuck him.

But it wasn’t so easy.

He wanted to touch him.

God, the kid’s body was screaming to be touched.

He wanted to do as he had done almost every night over the past three years, but he knew he couldn’t. Not anymore.

He knew Chinen had noticed that something was off, he couldn’t ignore that, but for his own sake he hadn’t asked.

And Yuya was sure that things weren’t going to solve themselves, so he should’ve made the first move, or there was no getting out of this.

He put a hand on his leg, hearing him sigh.

He bit his lip, interpreting that sigh exactly for what it was.

“What? Does it bother you even if I just touch you?” he asked, defensive.

The younger shrugged, as to say that it didn’t matter what bothered him, because things were just going to go Yuya’s way.

But the elder, for once, wasn’t so sure.

“No, it doesn’t bother me. But you haven’t done that in a week and I got surprised, that’s all.” he said, his voice flat.

Takaki grabbed his arm, pulling him close and taking his face in his hand, holding tight on his jaw and looking straight into his eyes.

He wished he knew what he felt seeing that face, but he didn’t.

“I'm sorry. It wasn’t my intention to make you lose the habit.” he said, sarcastic, brushing  a fingertip down his shoulder. “But I needed to decide whether I felt like touching you or not, you know.” he went on, holding his breath and feeling even more stupid, because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t sound as detached as he would’ve liked.

“Why?” Yuri asked, little interested in his moral dilemmas.

Yuya grabbed his hips, pulling him in his lap and leaning to bring his face against his throat, caressing it with his teeth before moving his mouth to his ear.

“Because I want to know what _you_ want, Yuri. I want to know if I can touch you or if you want to leave. I want to know...” he sighed, then took a deep breath. “I want to know if you want to go to Hikaru or if you want to stay.” he said, while the younger started getting antsy, his face suddenly pale.

“What are you talking about, Yuya? What does Hikaru have to do with anything?” he tried to say, unsuccessfully attempting to look confused.

Takaki wasn’t going to be tricked by that sub-par play of innocence.

“I mean that I’ve hard you that day. I mean that I heard him say this is not what you have to be, and that there is a chance for you, that you don’t have to bear what I do to you.” he hissed, trying to keep his anger in check. “Then go, Yuri. Go away. Go to Hikaru so that he can fuck you, touch you the way he does, nothing like me, I'm sure. Because I'm just an animal, am I not? Because you liked him fucking you, didn’t you?” he asked, and Chinen climbed off of him and knelt on the bed next to him.

“Yes!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. “Yes, I liked him fucking me, yes, you’re an animal, Yuya. Really, I don’t know if you don’t see it or you just don’t give a damn, but what you do to me is not human, don’t you understand that? It’s been different with Hikaru, it was something I wasn’t used to, it was...”

The elder didn’t let him go on.

He grabbed his wrists, making him end up back against the mattress, then he climbed on top of him and took off all of his clothes, then he did the same with his own.

He saw fear in his eyes, and for the first time that fear hurt him.

He had nothing to be afraid of. Not that night.

He went down on him, softly kissing his lips and going down to his neck, his chest, distractedly licking around his nipple, all the while pretending to ignore the scars on his body.

He reached lower and pulled his legs up and on top of his shoulder, bringing a hand to his cock and then brushing his tongue down to his rim, pushing to force it open, almost tenderly, repressing his instincts when his free end got to his hip, making as to dig his fingernails there.

But he held back, and heard Chinen breath more easily when he did.

He kept teasing him with his tongue while his hand moved restlessly on his shaft, while he heard him moan and he learnt to know those sounds of pleasure that he had never heard from him; he got surprised at how much he liked them.

He let his fingers join his tongue, pushing inside him slowly, breathing deeply and trying to tame the animal inside of him, the one telling him to take Yuri as he always did, without thinking about the pain he was going to feel, without being concerned with him at all.

He wasn’t going to. Not tonight.

Yuya had all to prove. As much as he liked to say he owned the kid, and he actually did, he was going to show him Hikaru wasn’t the only one able to make him feel pleasure, to have sex with him with no violence included.

He got on top of him, making room for himself between his legs and starting to push inside of him, while Yuri’s eyes were fixated on him, his movements, waiting for something to click and for everything to go back to normal, for Yuya to hurt him. Takaki wasn’t willing to give him that satisfaction.

When he bottomed out he tried not to think about the fact that he hadn’t had sex in a week, he tried to ignore how tight and hot his body was, and he pushed slowly inside of him, angling his thrusts to make him feel as much pleasure as he did, stroking his cock again and moving faster, watching him writhe under him, hearing him moan, discovering a new shiver while he realized how good he was capable of making him feel.

They came one after the other, Yuri over his hand and Yuya spilling inside his body, with a controlled scream and keeping at a safe distance from his skin, trying to hold back the instinct to scratch him, bite him, hurt him.

Then he pulled out of him, quickly, sitting on the mattress and turning his back on him, trying to avoid showing him his face.

He hated himself.

He didn’t understand what he was feeling, he didn’t understand why he had done that, when all he had to do was kill Hikaru and so stress that Chinen belonged to him to solve the situation, without the younger being included in his decision.

But for the first time he needed confirmation, certainties.

He wanted Yuri to choose him.

And he realized how crazy it was to think that he could actually make such a decision, but desperation had led him to that awkward attempt at doing something he wasn’t absolutely used to.

He was scared, he was afraid of what he couldn’t know, and he couldn’t know to what point Yuri was willing to sacrifice himself for that proof of useless humanity Yuya had had for him.

He hated being afraid, but he just couldn’t help it.

“Was it so hard?” Chinen asked point blank, in a low whisper that Yuya could barely hear.

He turned to look at him, finding him leaning against the headrest, his knees up to his chest and his face hidden between them.

“You know my habits in bed, Yuri. You know how I am. But... I can try, see? I can try doing as he did with you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be always the same way.” he said, almost surrendering, with a tone he couldn’t help hating.

“No, Yuya. This isn't who you are. You can try for a while, but it doesn’t change the fact that I'm an object to you, a whore, something with which you can do as you please, with no consideration at all. Isn't that true?” he asked, calm.

Yuya’s lips thinned as he leant toward him.

“Really, Yuri?” he murmured. “I’m awful in bed, I’ll give you that. I hurt you, I injure you, I use you as a toy. You’re right. But you can’t really say I do the same during the day. You can’t say I treat you like an object when I take you out to dinner, when I take you shopping, when I make sure nothing’s going to happen to you. I may also be a jerk when we’re in bed, Yuri, but I care about you, whether you believe it or not. And now I want to know if you want to stay or leave. And answer to me honestly, please, because I'm tired of threats. Give me the truth and nothing else, nothing’s going to happen to you or Hikaru.” he said, feeling almost breathless while he waited for the younger’s response.

Chinen seemed to think about it for a few moments, then he bowed his head.

“When my parents abandoned me, I was sure I was done. In that warehouse, all I waited for was death. And so during the first months here. I’ve hated you, Yuya, I’ve hated you with all myself for what you did to me. But then...” he sighed. “Then you started being different. You started talking to me, telling me about your day, being almost human to me, when it wasn’t about sex. And step by step hatred has faded and it’s turned into... daily life. As crazy as it is, as nonsensical, you’re the closest thing I have to family.” he added, then he got up on his knees, looking straight into his eyes. “I'm not asking that you stop hurting me, because that’s what turns you on, that’s how you like to have sex with me. I don’t even want you to take care of me coming or not, or to ask me if I want to have sex.” he paused, taking a deep breath. “I’d like for you to prepare me a little first, because it hurts like hell. And to avoid cutting me too deep. It’d be a step forward for me. For the rest, do as you please. We’ll have sex when you want to have sex, you can keep tying me up and using me as you please. All I'm asking for is a little effort on your part.” he said.

Yuya opened his eyes wide, fixating them on him.

Then he took his arm, softly, pulling until the younger’s head was in his lap.

“You said ‘have sex with me’. Not ‘rape me’.” he pointed out, despising that hint of pride in his voice. “Fine. I can do that, I can make the effort.” he conceded, starting to instinctively caressing his hair.

He heard Chinen sigh, and he couldn’t say what he was thinking right now.

But he didn’t care, not too much. Right now, all he wanted was an answer.

A few more minutes went by, then the younger finally resumed talking.

“I want to stay with you, Yuya.” he murmured, and then kept quiet.

Takaki didn’t deem necessary to add anything else.

Now he could give a name to it, understand what he was feeling, and it was something so weird and unusual that it almost scared him for how strong it was, it terrified him, because it was something he didn’t now, something he had never experienced during his whole life.

He was happy.


	6. Kumo no Ito (Spider's web)

**_06 – Kumo no Ito (Spider’s web)_ **

****

_“Every dream has its time to die.”_

_[Cape of Storms, Hyde]_

Kei walked slowly.

He tried to keep in mind the images of a few hours before, at home.

Kota had tried again that night, successfully so.

_“Kei, look at me... it’s me, Ko. It’s not scary if it’s your Ko, is it?”_

No, it wasn’t scary if it was his Ko. He just needed to focus on his face, ignoring the discomfort inside of him and thinking only about the pleasure he felt being so close to his boyfriend’s body.

_“Kota, I want you to marry me.”_

_“Of course I'm going to marry you, my love.”_

_“And can we have a baby?”_

_“I can take one of those abandoned by their parents. Like Yuri.”_

_“Ah. But then we don’t have to hurt him, right? Not like Yuya.”_

_“No, nothing like Yuya. We’re going to love him, we’re going to be his dads. And we’re going to be a family.”_

_“I want a cat, too. And a house with a garden.”_

_“I'm sorry, I can't afford a house with a garden. But you’re getting a cat, I promise you.”_

Kei walked and he tried to think about him and Kota together, in a nice house, with a kid running around the rooms calling him dad.

Yes. He liked the feeling, he liked the idea.

He loved Kota, and he truly wanted to have a family with him and live happily ever after.

Like in fairy tales, yes.

He had gone to the conbini to get something for dinner. Kota had insisted for going along, but he had refused. The elder had gotten back home tired, and Kei had asked him to rest, telling him that the conbini was close, that it wasn’t going to be a problem.

It was a couple hundred yards, but Kei was starting to feel a shiver down his spine.

It was dark already, he was alone and the streets were almost deserted.

And he was scared.

_Home’s not far, Kei. Don’t be afraid, do as Kota’s taught you. One... two... three..._

He had gotten to six when he felt hands on his shoulders, pulling him until his back hit a concrete wall; he hit his head, and groaned for the pain.

“Hi, pretty girl.” the stranger murmured, but he wasn’t even listening.

_“Hi, little girl...”_

_“Now we’re going to have some fun, alright?”_

_“Come on, we know you want this...”_

_“Open those legs, be a good girl...”_

Kei felt his breath get heavy, and counting was useless now.

He was completely terrified.

But he struggled, because he was sure he wasn’t going to survive it this time, had the stranger reached his goal.

He scratched, he punched, and in the end he managed to kick him hard enough to make him fall, and he took advantage of it to run.

He ran, he ran as fast as possible, tripping and stumbling and falling, crawling on the coarse asphalt until he got back up and started running again.

While the voices in his head chased after him.

_“He’s a nice fuck, isn't he?”_

_“What? Why are you crying? No one’s going to come save you, little slut.”_

He cried and his sight got blurred, but he didn’t care.

Somehow, he reached his building’s front door, opening it quickly and running to his apartment, slamming the door behind his back and heading to the kitchen, while he heard Kota’s steps reaching him.

“Kei?” he heard him call, but he didn’t answer.

He rummaged through a drawer, until he found what he was looking for.

“Kei!” his boyfriend yelled, looking the knife in his hand first, then his hands and knees, his pants torn and stained in blood. “What’s happened? Honey... honey, put the knife down.” he said, getting closer and putting a hand on his arm.

“Don’t touch me!” he shrieked, his voice acute, the fear running through his veins while he waved the knife in front of himself as a shield, while all he wanted was to hurt himself. “You’re like them. You’re all the same. You all want to hurt me, you want to use me, I... I don’t want to, I can’t take it. Stop, stop, stop.” he murmured in between tears, backing to a corner of the room. Kota followed him in little steps, measuring his movements.

“Kei, my love... I don’t want to hurt you. It’s me. It’s Ko, baby.” he said, low. “Give me the knife.” he added then.

Kei looked at him, his eyes wide in fear.

_“Tell us, how much you’re enjoying this.”_

“Honey, please, give me the knife.”

_“I don’t think you’re going to walk for a while, you know, whore?”_

“It’s over, Kei. I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

_“We’ll come back to get you. It was fun, after all.”_

“My love?”

_“We’ll come back for you.”_

“Kei?”

_“We’ll come back.”_

Kei took a step forward, barely holding back the sobs.

He saw that big hand, manly, stretched toward him.

There was always going to be a monster ready, lurking, waiting to hurt him and crowd his nightmares, because that’s what monsters did.

The hand reached for him, and he pushed the knife forward.

When it met resistance he pushed harder, to the grip.

And he saw Kota, who had never torn his eyes from him, slowly falling on the ground, holding his bleeding stomach.

“Count with me, my love, try to calm down, everything’s fine. One...”

“O-one.” Kei murmured, kneeling next to him.

“Two.”

“Two... three...”

“Four.”

“Five. Six.”

“Seven... stay calm, Kei. It’s over.”

“Seven, eight...”

“Nine...” Kota’s voice was hoarser, unsteady, and Kei curled up.

“Ten.” they said together, then the elder closed his eyes.

Kei was calm, now.

No one wanted to hurt him there. He was safe.

No one was ever going to touch him again, because he was going to have his family.

His baby and his cat, and perhaps Kota one day would’ve earned enough to afford a house with a garden.

He looked at his boyfriend’s body, shaking it.

But Kota wasn’t opening his eyes.

Perhaps he deserved to rest, he thought.

He was going to call Chinen, yes.

Yuri would’ve known what to do.

 

~

 

Yuri was walking home, his eyes wide open.

He still couldn’t believe what he had seen.

There was blood, a lot of it.

It felt as if he was back to the warehouse, where death made no sense at all.

That death made no sense either.

Kota’s body, lying in the kitchen, didn’t make sense.

And Kei talked and talked and talked, restless, saying Kota wasn’t getting up, that he wasn’t opening his eyes, that they needed to wake him up, because he had promised he was going to marry him.

Then he had said something about kids, cats. A garden, maybe.

Chinen had always known that Kei’s mental health hanged on a thread.

He didn’t know how thin though, and he didn’t know how deep the fall would’ve been once broken.

He wished he could’ve done more for him.

But he had just hugged him, surprised that the elder had let him touch him.

And then he had called the police and left.

They were going to understand, he was sure.

They were going to understand that Kei wasn’t himself, that he needed to go somewhere where he would’ve gotten help.

No one of them could help him. Not when even Kota had failed.

He had loved him, he had made everything to make him happy.

In the end, that very same love had killed him.

He turned the key in the lock, tired, exhausted, wishing only to go to bed so that those images were going to go away from his mind.

And when he walked into the living room he thought he had missed some passages, and to have ended up straight into a nightmare.

Hikaru’s eyes were half-closed, marked by raged and slightly wet.

Yuya, in front of him, was smiling.

It wasn’t sarcastic. It wasn’t his usual childish smile, the one Yuri liked, the one he used when he mocked him or when he told him he had done something particularly stupid.

It was resigned.

“Hi, Yuri.” he told him, resigned.

The younger took a step forward, staring at Hikaru’s hand.

He had had enough of knives for one night.

“Hikaru, what are you doing?” he asked, ignoring the eldest of the two.

“I'm taking you away from here, Yuri. I'm taking you away from this animal. I'm showing you that there’s something better than this prison out there. With me.” he explained, his voice trembling, his eyes going back and forth between the two of them.

“Hikaru... let go of that knife. You’re going to end up hurting yourself.” Chinen hissed, getting closer.

“Oh, no! Let him, it’s so funny to see a weapon pointed at me the way I taught him how. Let him have his moment of glory.” Yuya intervened, standing still in front of his shatei, too close to the knife the other was holding.

“Shut up. Yuri, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. Think about what it means... a life without him, without having to come back here, no one hurting you ever again. It’s over, Yuri. It’s over, forever.”

Chinen got even closer, calculating the distance.

He felt his heart beating furiously in his chest. He couldn’t risk it.

“Hikaru... I want to stay here.” he murmured softly, arching his eyebrows and trying to sound convincing.

“See? I told you he didn’t want to leave!” Yuya uttered, smirking. “What can I say... apparently, you didn’t fuck him well enough to make an impression.” he added, amused by the lost expression on Yaotome’s face.

“Yuri... don’t be stupid. You can't want to be here with him.” he murmured, frowning, as if wondering how something like that was possible. Then he turned to look at the elder, disgusted. “Well. I see your brainwashing’s working perfectly. But I'm sure it’s not going to be hard to make him see what you’ve done to him during the years. I just hope I can make him forget you ever existed.” he hissed.

Chinen froze, while the whole thing seemed to go down in front of him in slow motion.

Yuya lost his cocky appearance, finally switching it to a late fear.

And then he saw Hikaru’s knife hit.

It made a weird sound, and Yuri didn’t like it.

It was the same spot, he realized, where Kei had stabbed Kota.

It found it a strange twist of fate.

Kota’s corpse overlapped in his mind with Yuya’s, while the latter screamed in pain.

He had never heard him scream before, and he didn’t like that either.

And Hikaru laughed.

He laughed for what he had done, he laughed confident, as if he felt a hero for having ridden the world from a useless cockroach.

He laughed, and he didn’t notice Yuri behind him.

When he turned, all he saw was a blurred shape, while the younger quickly grabbed the heavy ashtray from the coffee table and bashed his head with it.

And then another blow.

And then another. And another. And another.

He stopped only when he heard Yuya’s voice calling him. And then he looked at Hikaru, and he saw the blood on himself and the shreds of flesh clinging onto the glass.

He let the ashtray fall on the ground.

Then he seemed to recover and rushed toward Takaki, kneeling next to him, staring at him as if he didn’t know what to do.

The elder was pale, sweaty. He brought a hand to his stomach, wincing, without looking him in the eyes.

Yuri bit his lip, leaning toward him and bringing an arm around his shoulders, as if he wanted to help him get up.

“Let it go.” Yuya stopped him, harsh.

“I'm calling an ambulance, Yuya. We still have time.” he told him in a rush, stretching an arm to grab his phone, abandoned on the couch.

“I told you to let it go, you stupid kid! It’s not worth it!” he yelled again, then he clenched his teeth, pained.

“No, damn it! You’ve ordered me around for the past three years, now we’re doing things my way.” he replied, his breath heavy as he called 119 and gave them the address, trying to keep calm.

Once he hanged up he kept quiet, waiting, while Takaki glared at him.

“You’re so stubborn... you should’ve let me die. You would’ve been free.” he inveighed against him, raising a hand to hit his arm, but the younger seemed to barely notice.

“I don’t care. The other night you asked me if I wanted to stay and I told you I did. What would be the point of letting you die?” he murmured, his voice hoarse, staring at the wound on his stomach as he distractedly caressed his shoulder.

“You’re more of a masochist than I gave you credit for, Yuri. Why the hell do you want to be here?” he asked, frowning. “I hit you. I rape you. I hurt you. I'm surprised already that you haven’t tried to kill me yourself, but this...” he shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”

Chinen bit his tongue, as he felt tears streaming down his face.

He looked at Yaotome’s body on the ground, his head mauled, his blood everywhere.

He thought about how cold he had been when he had killed his parents, and he wondered why he had been so ferocious about this.

But after all, he knew it.

He had known that for every day of the past year, he had known that when Yuya had taken him out to dinner for his birthday, when he had given him that damn book, when he had told him he was going to try and have sex with him without hurting him too much.

He thought about Kota’s body, and what Kei was going to have to go through from now on.

Alone, without the man he loved.

And he wasn’t willing to end up like that.

“You’re the idiot, Yuya. If you had kept acting like you did at first, then I would’ve really left you here to die like a dog.” he said in between his teeth.

“What does it mean? I believe I didn’t start bringing you flowers every day, did I?”

“But you worry about me. You can pretend it’s not like that, but I know you do. And I… I’ve started...” he paused, blushing. “We can talk about it when you’ll get better.” he rushed to say then, biting hard on his lower lip.

Yuya seemed to think about it for a moment.

Then he smiled and he took a deep breath, having troubles doing so.

“You’re important to me. I told you, you brat, I...” he said, then he blinked a few times, rolling his head back.

“Yuya, shut up, damn it! Don’t exert yourself!” Yuri screamed, panicking.

Takaki didn’t answer. Yuri took his hand and held it tight, as he heard what he hoped to be the ambulance.

“Don’t leave me now! I love you, you idiot!” he inveighed against him.

Yuya’s eyes were still closed.

And he cried. He cried, holding his hand, he cried when the paramedics walked in, he cried while he got on the ambulance with him.

He didn’t let go of his hand. He couldn’t, not now.

Takaki had bought him, he belonged to him.

There was always going to be a monster inside of him, but Yuri was clinging with all his might onto that monster, that monster that had to stay there, so that Yuri was going to have a chance at fighting it.

Yuri belonged to Yuya; yet now, he was the one who didn’t want to let the elder go.

 


	7. Owari no nai Tabi (A journey without end)

**_07 – Owari no nai Tabi (A journey without end)_ **

****

_“Even when I’ll be born again, hug me.”_

_[Moon, KAT-TUN]_

Kei looked through the room’s window and smiled.

He walked down the hallway until he reached the terrace.

He gave a quick look to the people around him, as to calm himself. He knew them all, they were his friends. He didn’t need to be afraid, not of them.

He knew no one was going to hurt him.

There was a light breeze, but it didn’t bother him. He was waiting, and he wasn’t going to move from there in a while.

He sat on a bench, crossing his legs and staring at a blank spot on the horizon.

He liked that place, he liked the air he breathed.

There was a garden, too.

He kept still without doing anything for a long while, looking around, when he suddenly heard his name being called.

Yuri and Yuya walked toward him, and the younger waved at him, while Takaki had his usual irritated look on, as if he was forced to be there.

But Kei didn’t care. He was glad to see them.

“Hi!” he told them, smiling, as Yuri leant down to kiss his cheek, while Yuya nodded in his direction.

“Hi, Kei. How’s it going today?” the younger asked, sitting down next to him.

Inoo shrugged.

“Fine. It’s sunny, I'm glad. Yesterday it was raining and I couldn’t go out, I got bored to death. But then I’ve watched a new drama with the others, and I liked it a lot.” he nodded to himself. “And one of the ladies here brought me dangos, yesterday. She knows I like them, even though she said she shouldn’t have. I think she’s got a thing for me.” he explained, chuckling.

“And I can't see why.” Yuya said, low, getting elbowed in the ribcage by Yuri.

Kei chuckled, shrugging.

“She says I'm nice. But I know you don’t share her opinion, don’t worry.” he said, at ease, then he looked at Yuri. “How are the two of you? What are you up to?” he asked, curious.

The younger chuckled, looking at Yuya.

“Yesterday we’ve been to the doctor to have him check his wound. And he’s fought with the sensei because he had promised it wasn’t going to scar, but it’s still there. I told him it’s normal after six months, and the sensei told him as well, but you know how he is.” he added, as if Takaki wasn’t there with them. “I think it suits him, he almost look like a real yakuza with that on. But you know how vain he is, right?” he said, barely dodging the blow Yuya had meant for his head.

Meanwhile Kei laughed out loud.

He liked to see Yuri smile. Since he had known him, it hadn’t happened often, while for a few months now he had always been cheerful. And always with Yuya.

He hadn’t asked too many questions, he didn’t need to to realize how things were between them.

He sighed, blissfully.

“If you can wait a while...” he started to say then, following the train of his thoughts. “you might run into Ko. He’s got to come visit, I haven’t seen him in a while.” he told them, staring into space again.

He saw them exchanging a look he didn’t understand.

“I have no intention to wait for him, Kei. I'm bored already. I didn’t want to come, to tell you the truth, but Yuri dragged me here.” he said, with a tone that seemed to be forcibly sour.

“Yes, Kei-chan. We’ve got to go now, we’re having lunch at a restaurant.” Chinen added, low, and Kei thought he had seen a weird sparkle in his eyes.

They said goodbye, quickly.

Their visits were never long when Yuya was there, but he didn’t mind.

He was glad they came, it didn’t matter how long they stayed.

He watched them as they walked away, and after a while he saw Yuya stretching his arm toward the younger, taking his hand.

They made a good picture, like a fairy tale in which the monster suddenly became food, and everyone lived happily ever after.

He smiled, happy.

He should’ve told Kota, when he would’ve come.

He was going to be happy, he was sure of it.

Perhaps, they were also going to have a baby someday.

And perhaps a cat, too.

He chuckled.

He should’ve told Kota that Yuya, as opposed to him, could definitely afford a house with a garden. 


End file.
